I'm sorry for a long post( I wrote this as in I'm writing to my bf)
Me F 20, him M 20 were friends got close and dated with an end goal of marriage and being there forever but I feel I can't feel the love
I feel like I've never loved you all this while I don't know why I had feelings for you, I really care for you, I can't imagine if anything happens to you it will break me into pieces. You are very close to my heart, I wanted to celebrate you so much I don't know y once when I saw your baby picture, I even thought of like how would our baby look I don't know why when we watch movie(Neek) for the first time I felt like I wanna hold your hand so bad I really feel I'm someone who can't give you the love that you deserve I feel unhappy with myself for feeling like I can't love you but every time I have this thought I just can't bring myself to tell you even now I don't know if this is true or not When I have thoughts like this, I just wonder if things are over between us I can't talk to you anymore and it hurts me But I really feel you shouldn't be with me because you deserve more not just what I show or give to you I really wanna do a lot for you, take care of you,wanna celebrate your wins, seeing you happy
It feels torturous, to not feel the love for you, I just don't know
But when I'm with you all feels normal, I'm with my friend again, even when I think of the future right I feel like I'm getting married to my friend liddat Sometimes when I think of the future, like I picture us maybe during my grad I wanted to tell my mom about us I feel like we don't look nice together liddat I don't know why I told my grandfather ( who has passed away) I saw his picture and told him you're the guy I want to marry despite all the thoughts
Sometimes I feel like I just wanna be with you while having all the thoughts let me just be with you and cry but atleast I'm with you
Sometimes I feel I can't like when I write in my letters I wanna be by your side - I just can't feel it Or I tell I really love you I feel I can't feel that way
Sometimes I feel like I'm acting infront people that I'm happy but inside feels uncertain like I don't know what I'm feeling Sometimes I hate how right not my thinking is on his skin color I mean what can I do if he got darker leave him? That's crazy I feel like if I start to see you like a close fren my feelings will be back because that's the part I felt so much comfort and like I want you for life
But the really stupidest part is I'm really struggling with this skin color thought when I know in real he look nice handsome ny like sometimes when I see I feel there's nothing that not nice aso he looks good and what do I want summore you know and my problem is like I don't how does actually people in love after years feel when they go out and all like in public or I just don't know I just wanna feel the happiness peacefulness and all