u/Academic-Strategy130

For some backstory, me (19) had a major accident back when I was 11. I don’t know what it feels like to have a stroke nor was I awake for it but I did have one. One day I was out with my friends playing at a creek, we found this fun place to jump in from a fallen over log. One time I was crossing and got my foot caught, I fell. Off the side with all the jagged sticks. I was stabbed on the way down, pulled myself out of the water and I’m told I fainted and had multiple seizures. I only remember lying on the cold dirt, being carried away, then slowly waking up about a week later. I could no longer stand, sit up, or move most of my body, looking to the right felt unbelievably uncomfortable. Not being able to eat, shower, or speak. It took me a month to start walking again, I actually couldn’t even put my feet on the ground for awhile without getting panic attacks. The feeding tube was one of the worst parts, I still remember the itch of it on my face to this day, wanting to pull something out that isn’t there. Moving hospitals after that first month was nice but I still couldn’t go home, it’s all I wanted. My god, so many panic attacks when doing stretches that hurt to bad. So desperate to get out of that wheelchair… After 2 weeks I was cleared to go home, feeding tube removed. Things did not get better for me mentally. I was bitter, pushed all my emotions that I couldn’t understand at that age down further than you could imagine. I stayed quiet, hid everything deep. So deep I didn’t even realize I was doing it. My brain was changed after that stroke. I completely rejected school and physical therapy, refused to go back and when I did it didn’t last long. I started slowly consume myself with fiction. When Covid hit in 2020 it got much worse. I hid, and kept myself away from reality, not going to school, not learning anything. To this day I still consider myself at a 4th grade level in most subjects. My right hand never healed, I can’t move most of the muscles around my right eye unless using my left as well. I know I have aphasia, intense anxiety, depression, and autism. I feel like I wasted years, upon years sitting and doing nothing to help myself. Now I stay up half the night on devices and sleep well into the afternoon. I feel so helpless, like I destroyed everything. I’m so angry, jealous, resentful, and sad all the time. I just want to scream my lungs out. This stroke and accident helped ruin my entire being. Do any of you think I have a chance at something better? Because I’m scared I’ll live the rest of my life with these feelings consuming me.