Hare Krishna 🙏
I don’t want to become like a robot by just controlling my thoughts or ignoring them. I feel like every time I try to suppress or not think about certain thoughts, they don’t go away — they come back again and again.
Before all this, I used to enjoy a lot with my school friends. But after coming into ISKCON and getting association, my life changed. I started focusing more on spiritual practices, philosophy, chanting, and understanding things deeply.
But now I feel something is missing.
In my group, people are very focused on knowledge and scripture. They don’t really talk emotionally or casually. My facilitator is also busy in seva, so he doesn’t give much time personally. I understand that, but still I feel like I don’t have anyone to really share my heart with.
There is one person I share things with, but he also doesn’t talk much. He gives solutions, but not emotional support. Sometimes he replies for a few days and then disappears because of his seva.
I have trust issues, so I’m not able to open up to others. I also don’t feel like initiating conversations again and again. Somewhere I feel like if someone cares, they should also come and talk to me. I know maybe I should also try, but I feel resistance, ego, or self-respect — I don’t know.
Also, I feel scared to even open up these topics. In Krishna consciousness, if we talk something “unwanted” it is sometimes called prajalpa. Maybe that devotee is right, but then what about these thoughts that are already in my mind? I still go to the temple, attend Bhagavatam class and everything, but inside I feel like this is not working for me because I am not getting that love which everyone needs.
Because of this, I end up going to social media, Reddit, and other places. And I feel like at the end, psychologically, every person just needs love. If you don’t get it in one place, your mind will go somewhere else to find it. I don’t want that to lead me to Vaishnava aparadha or to disconnect completely.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just going to the temple, taking prasadam, saying “Hare Krishna” to everyone, and coming back — but inside I feel fake. I’m not really connected to anyone, and I’m not able to share my heart.
I’ve also been told not to listen to my mind. So sometimes I feel like whatever I am writing right now is just my mind speaking, not me. So I try to neglect it. But this has been going on for a long time, and it feels like these doubts have grown like a tree in my heart.
Because of this, I’m not able to progress, not able to enjoy, and not even able to ask doubts in my group. I feel blocked.
Sometimes I think I should quit this group and find another association where I can actually connect with people and make real friendships.
I don’t know what to do.
I just know that this is eating me from inside, and it’s causing a lot of anxiety and heaviness.
I’m just looking for some genuine guidance, positivity, and maybe some real connection.
Has anyone else felt like this? What should I do?
Hare Krishna 🙏