NSFW TOPICS
The past few months of my life feel a lot different than last year or even the year before. I feel like I've become more indulgent, and I should really repent for it, but a selfish part of me doesn't really want to.
I've been wanting to feel more human recently even if it means doing things that are wrong. Like using God's name in vain, listening to whatever music I like, or even writing about gay smut.
In my head it all feels wrong. Whenever I go to church I'm always feeling like I deceive everyone by acting so "pure and holy" like everyone else. For a lot of time I felt terrible about being horny or finding any gender attractive and trying to convince myself that I don't. I just feel like I've gotten so tired of trying to be some perfect pristine human being. I'm always the one my families look to because I'm the "mature one" but it's not like they know I fantasize about boys kissing in private.
It just feels.. frustrating. I'm fully aware I'm letting myself indulge and yet I haven't apologized for a thing. I know I keep looking and writing at these things, and I hate admitting that I like it a lot. I tired withdrawing myself from all of it months ago, but none of my attractions or thoughts ever change. If it's all so wrong then I dont know why God hasn't fixed my brain yet.
My church and family would just say I've "fallen into temptation from demonic spirits" because they say the same thing about my other family members. It almost feels like I've just given up. I don't want to go to hell but I feel like a lost cause.
I want to believe I'm still loved, but all I ever hear is that none of this can coexist, and there's something terribly wrong with me.