She’s gone.
I’m sitting in the airport on the way back to her family trying to figure out what I would say to you if I got the chance.
I think someone told you. I hope they did.
She left us last night.
There are tests being done to see if she meant to-if everything from the past few months broke her or if it was just some freak thing. She got on a plane for her kids right after being attacked, so there is a chance that she didn’t mean to…that her body gave out.
I’m not writing to tell you I am mad.
I am still in shock she is gone. That I won’t hear her laugh, that a flash of her hair won’t go by my eyes before she tackles me and hugs me, that I won’t watch her eyes sparkle when she figures out the trouble she could make, that she won’t ever cook for us again, that her kids… she will be a memory for them.
I am writing to apologize for coming between you two.
It’s hollow to say it now, but I think you were her first real thing-someone who told her to never shrink again. I was threatened- I didn’t even know your name and you won her. You actually saw the real her before those days, not in what followed.
What followed was the slow decay of her mind from medication attempting to keep her body healthy.
I knew something was wrong, I just assumed it was you. Now we know the medical bits and that her head was betraying her worse each day. I thought you were consuming her. It wasn’t true, at least from what I know now.
I’m sorry I stole her away and lost her in the process. I am more sorry I took you from her-she adored you, you know. You had such a short time together but she would have gone through hell to get to you. She did go through hell.
What happened after-the attacks-were awful. I have the reports, I have to stop and collect myself at points. I’ll protect her name. They won’t get the satisfaction of that being what she is known for.
I think she was just trying to get out of that nightmare replaying, like someone drowning. She clawed and thrashed and couldn’t get out.
You two connected on a soul level, and it probably shocked you both, but it is why she wanted you so deeply.
I saw it. Like she ignited. She would have loved you if you had ever let her.
I know you came with your own demons, but she always said she was someone who loved the edges of people. Damn if that wasn’t true.
Maybe you will see this. If you do, if you need closure, you would be welcomed in the way she would have wanted. She loved being yours. I won’t let the last few weeks taint that, I’ll protect your name too. Come quietly if you want to, I’ll know it is you from the light she probably left in you.
I’m sorry if this is how you find out. I’m sorry for all of us she is gone.