u/Abimackreads

Ok, I'm nervous and please bear with me. I'm very new to anything spiritual and often read posts and comments in this sub just to learn. I am in Narcotics Anonymous which is a spiritual programme and I'm placing myself on a journey. I am clean and have no desire to use.

My main thing has nothing to do with drugs. I don't think I've ever seen a post here about enlightenment when it comes to serious mental illness. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

As you can guess I carry a lot of trauma and a psychologist explained to me you could even be able to see how my brain works differently to most in an MRI.

So my problems are stemming from the efforts of being aware and being the observer. Can you separate the two? I am hyper-aware all the fucking time. Having an abusive childhood made me super sensitive to things like tones of speech or body language as a survival mechanism.

I don't want to be aware of everything. I can tell my husband gaslighted me again recently. I recognise the pitch of his voice when he lies, the way he carefully forces each word out in what he thinks is a soothing tone.

I can sense atmospheres very vividly, to the point where I can't be in a certain room for a time because something feels charged. I notice patterns to the point it ruins TV, books and films cos I can guess what's going to happen.

When I'm familiar with a person I can predict them too. I am picky about who to give my energy to but love the friends and family I have with the whole of my heart. But when I notice things I keep them to myself as I have lost friends over gently pointing out self destructive cycles they repeat that cause them misery.

Like a lot of people with BPD I have such an abundance of empathy it can be painful. My go to emotion is often guilt for not being able to stop what's happening. I often let people disrespect me because I can sense the pain that's causing them to do so.

I have had training in observing my emotions without judgement and I'm getting better at it. The problem is with BPD is that sometimes my emotions are huge, they come in multitudes and I can't always identify them. As NA preaches, I practice meditation but right now can only just about manage 5 minutes.

What is the main difference between awareness and observation and are they both as important as each other? How do I become an observer without everything I see touching me so deeply and turning the volume of my head up to max?

I'm so sorry for such a long post. If you've read it this far I really appreciate you. I hope I managed to make sense and please be gentle with me. I am new and still learning.

When I was nine, something happened that I just can't explain. My alcoholic brother took me and my little bro to a pub one night. Me and my bro were playing in the kids section of the pub garden in the dark, when all of a sudden, we notice a little brown and orange kitten.

Of course we were delighted and it was friendly, we played with it and cuddled it. Then all of a sudden *and I still don't know why* I picked the kitten up, walked to the end of the garden, climbed the wall over onto the street and just walked up the street with this kitten. My mind was blank.

Then I literally bumped into a woman, who looked down, saw the kitten and lit up. She said "This is my kitten I've been looking for her for hours"

Was it just fate or something similar? Or was I being *controlled* in some way. I'm new to these kind of subs so I'd love to hear your theories

When I was nine, something happened that I just can't explain. My alcoholic brother took me and my little bro to a pub one night. Me and my bro were playing in the kids section of the pub garden in the dark, when all of a sudden, we notice a little brown and orange kitten.

Of course we were delighted and it was friendly, we played with it and cuddled it. Then all of a sudden *and I still don't know why* I picked the kitten up, walked to the end of the garden, climbed the wall over onto the street and just walked up the street with this kitten. My mind was blank.

Then I literally bumped into a woman, who looked down, saw the kitten and lit up. She said "This is my kitten I've been looking for her for hours"

I'd love to hear your opinions on what could have driven me to do that for no known reason. I'm new to spiritual subs and usually just read to learn. Is fate the answer? Or do you think it could be something else?

I'm 38 now and I think about it all the time

When I was nine, something happened that I just can't explain. My alcoholic mother took me and my little bro to a pub one night. Me and my bro were playing in the kids section of the pub garden in the dark, when all of a sudden, we notice a little brown and orange kitten.

Of course we were delighted and it was friendly, we played with it and cuddled it. Then all of a sudden *and I still don't know why* I picked the kitten up, walked to the end of the garden, climbed the wall over onto the street and just walked up the street with this kitten. My mind was blank.

Then I literally bumped into a woman, who looked down, saw the kitten and lit up. She said "This is my kitten I've been looking for her for hours"

What was happening to me when I did that? I'm new to these kind of subs, and joined for the purpose of learning. I'd love to hear what you guys think of my story