This is like the 100th time I’ve tried to quit during these last 11 years (26 now)
I found leftover weed and couldn’t help myself.
Today I woke up not even wanting to get out of bed. And everything was bland, and my thoughts went to some pretty dark places…
Couldn’t take the boredom. Nothing stimulates me sober. I can’t watch tv, music isn’t as enjoyable, the internet seems MORE overwhelming yet boring to use.
I can’t draw like I use too. Writing can only be focused on prayer and is repetitive thoughts. Gave up on engineering after I dropped out of college and fried my brain since then , so now I’ve lost that technical skill, my intellectual blessing taken away because of me.
I would leave the house and do stuff but i live check to check and everything is expensive for no reason. Not to mention it feels like the older you get the more isolating and harder it is to meet new people. Don’t even drive yet, and whenever I try to, I get horrible anxiety.
I’m frankly dead inside from years of depression, anxiety, OCD, and unaddressed trauma that shouldn’t even matter at this point in my life yet still been holding onto…
And I’m bipolar, so Some days I’m calm minded and nothing ls bothering me, other days I just want to fucking die and can’t stand hearing my own brain.
I’m gonna try again, but how many times am I gonna keep going through this cycle.
Sigh…