u/ALeftToenailWithJam

I am currently trying to build my faith (and warning, I am a science person) and the sheer magnitude of the Bible and the events just.. baffle me. Like, I can’t perceive it. Like the idea of God coming down and giving his word and his Son Jesus Christ and Jesus performing the miracles and rising.. it’s so much. Like, I have faith that it occurred because God exists, but like, my human “logical” side is struggling so much. I feel like it’s preventing me from *true* full connection with God. I do understand there’s historical evidence and such as well but like.. just the degree to which this is all happening is like, flying over my head. I can’t comprehend it.

Does anyone else feel like this? Any advice?

Hi, I'm a 18 year old girl. I've lost multiple friendships in highschool and I still think about them to this day. I can't help but wonder if I am a bad person/friend. I'm posting in this subreddit because I am trying to become closer to God and repent for my sins. I'll tell my story now.

Friend 1: Dan

I was friends with Dan for 6 years. I would talk to him later at night when he needed advice and reassurance. I have a crush on him twice and confessed twice (which i admit was wrong of me) because I felt I genuinely loved him. Since the second confession, he started pursuing other women and not talking to me as much. He then stopped talking to me and the other women in his life for almost 2 years because of a girlfriend he had just met that year. He came back when he broke up with her and apologized for being a jerk. I w​as hurt by his distance, I pushed it down and accepted it to make him happy. Things were fine until I just kept thinking about how I was still upset. I blocked him in the middle of the night after talking about him to a friend. I admit it was very impulsive but I honestly wasn't comfortable being friends with him in the first place. I had also blocked him previously over the summer, and after that he said we had different lives and values and refused to explain further. I later apologized and explained why I did what I did and offered an opportunity for us to talk it out. He said I go back and forth too much and believed it would be best to cut communication.

I was hurt since we had been friends for so long and he didn't try to fix things at all. But also, he has been involved in things I morally disagree with (premarital sex, drinking), and so.. I feel like it was for the better. But it still hurt.

Friend 2: Jim

Jim and I had also been friends since 6th grade. He recently got a girlfriend (he is 18 and she is 16) and has been obsessed with her. He is late to classes and skips one consistently as well as lunch to be with her and has dragged me by the arm in front of her (she laughed). He lied one day and ditched all of his classes and I told the teacher since he tried to drag me into it. He then berated me with curse words that same day and said I don't listen to other opinions (my father told me to block him as soon as he started cursing at me and this made him upset). He has since apologized for cursing at me and is trying to act like nothing happened, but I am still uncomfortable.

Friend 3: Jenny.

I don't have a bunch of female friends. I'm not sure why. I met her in a hard chemistry class in 10th grade. We talked often and such but it slowly slowed down after she dropped out of a rigorous academic program still in. Our first disagreement was when I was home sick at a weekend event and she said I should be grateful I even got a spot. I said I was, but that I missed my parents and home. She just said I shouldn't complain. It put a bad taste in my mouth. She left me alone for the rest of that event and I was just by myself watching everyone else be friends. Then, I had my picture (amongst my current classmates) displayed in the school for being in the rigorous academic program. She congratulated me on it but then immediately said it was unfair she didn't have one too.​ This turned into another disagreement because she felt like her hard work was being "undermined."

I was already the first one sending texts, so I stopped. I stopped going up and talking to her too to see what she would do.

She never came up to talk to me.

All of these situations happened this year and after the one with Jim, I just turned my heart fully to God and Jesus. I was, and still am, so sick of feeling betrayed. I give my heart to people and I just get left behind. It doesn't help that I feel like a wallflower most days. I don't fit into most crowds and I will consistently be the person standing alone in the room.

Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I think this may be my cross to carry but it hurts. I want to know if I can fix it, or if it's all up to God.

I'm sorry for the long post.

Last night before I slept, I prayed to God and asked for prayers from Mother Mary, Saint Thérèse, and Saint/Archangel Michael. I prayed with Mary because I felt connected to her, to Thérèse because I relate to the notion of having a big heart, and to Michael for protection. I am still learning about the Saints and the Angels, so I hope I did it all right. I still gave the praise and worship and glory to God above all. I also asked God to show me the way in terms of the Saints and all, like guiding me to a Patron Saint if it’s right for me.

Then, in my dream, I woke up in my bed. It felt very realistic. There was this thing that looked like a dog, but it was red and I believe floating in the air at the foot of my bed. I was very scared. In nightmares, I usually just stay in fear, but in this one, I started praying. I prayed to God to banish it and to Archangel Michael to strike it down. It took a while but by the time I did a literal cross over my heart, and I believe swiped my arm across my body, it went away.

I don’t know if it was a demon, but I was praying for God to protect me and banish all demons last night because I felt called to.

Does anyone have an explanation or advice for me?

Also, I know I’ve been posting here a lot. I just want to take a moment and thank you all for being so supportive and welcoming to me. I’m a little nervous, but my heart is set on attending my first Catholic Mass in college.