u/AKapoor30

I've been meditating on and off for a few years now (+ diving into spirituality) and feel as if at times (like right now) it has made things so much worse for me. My awareness of my thoughts has led to judgement of those thoughts and deepened and worsening of some of my patterns. I have a pattern of getting frustrated at myself and judgmental towards myself and realized that I was falling into a pattern of judging myself for not being present, being confused and lost in life because I've looked at the mind as this negative thing and now don't trust the thoughts that I'm aware of, but then at the same time there's a less conscious part of my mind that is deciding not to trust these thoughts and judging them which makes me feel even more lost. How can I know what to even do in my life or which thoughts to listen to and which to discard? I just feel lost in this and have realized how much suffering all of this has caused me and it feels terrible and I don't know how to get out of this loop and know what to trust. I'm not sure if I'm explaining my current state well since it's confusing to me too but I just feel stuck and as if I've weaponized my awareness by introducing another layer of unconsciousness that judges the thoughts I'm conscious about and just thoughts in general sometimes and not being present.