I have been thinking over this for a couple of days now, which this may come across as rash, but honestly been feeling plenty down for the past months. Long post ahead to give context muna.
I have been working in my current company for 12 years now. 2nd job ko ito after graduating from college, started as a rank and file na slowly rose through hard work and good performance. Hindi ako laging top performer nun per se, pero pioneer and POC for most of the processes. I got promoted 4 years ago to a leadership position after applying internally, and laking swerte ko na ung team na pinahawak sa akin is the team where I came from (so I'm "homegrown" talent), which meant I'm very much aware of the challenges faced by the team and the stakeholders on a daily basis.
Now about 2 years ago, to expand my role, pinahawak ako ng ibang team. I was still plenty familiar with them kasi I was cross-trained to their process prior to my promotion so nag-oo ako. However, I've been experiencing nothing but major setback trying to keep this team afloat, which has taken a huge toll on me and the people I'm handling (2 employees resigned (for personal reasons naman, pero ung sakit nung ulo scrambling to hire backfill), 1 moved to a different role, and may mga nagpaparamdam na din na baka aalis sila kasi they don't see growth anymore). The last straw came nung last performance review sa akin ng manager ko. Hindi maganda ung feedback ni stakeholder, and nilagay ako sa PIP.
Now as a SUPER tenured employee I knew what that meant. I also had placed employees in PIP before (thankfully mga success stories sila), but I have been here long enough to know na it isn't going to be easy. I knew the reason behind why I was placed din in PIP (the stakeholder for the team that was given to me was not satisfied with the output the team was doing despite working through to resolve their concerns. In short, wala silang tiwala sa team and it's affecting the business).
I know everything happens for a reason, and I know I have my faults and lapses which I acknowledge and am actively working through it. I have every intention of trying to pass because I know it is doable, but after nung last call namin ng manager ko last week, nagflare up ung anxieties ko and hindi ko maiwasang umiyak. To put it bluntly, I feel like I don't think I'm going to make it, because based sa feedback nung senior leadership sa manager ko: "I lack the strategy". Turns out a lot of the others don't believe I can make it. I can't help but be disheartened to be told na "You should know this because tenured ka" but also be told in the same breath na "Magtanong ka if hindi mo naiintindihan".
I don't blame my former managers (this is my 4th one, mahilig magreshuffle ung department ko) for not being able to guide me on this. I only had the unfortunate realization after talking with my mentor (who is a former leader themselves but now in a consultancy role), na I wasn't properly trained for this position when I first started. I applied to be in leadership despite the percieved diffculty of handling people because I genuinely wanted to inspire others to grow (so much so na I went through 8 different rejections throughout my career before I got the promotion), but no one taught me how to properly analyze data, build solid strategy, etc. I had to learn that by myself, and it's pretty hard to see the future when you're trying to firefight for the "now".
To be fair, a lot of my former coworkers (plus family) have been urging me to leave, especially since ung skill level ko and experience can demand higher pay elsewhere. I didn't have enough reason to think about leaving then, kasi the company culture is good and the benefits are decent (though yeah, medyo mababa ung sahod if compared sa iba). I thought I would probably retire here or something na. But after last week, I'm thinking if I should just bite the bullet and jump ship, especially as how my morale have been going down the drain. I already dread receiving emails, or having to be in meetings with the stakeholder. I hate the feeling of anxiety pag may coaching session kami ng manager ko.
I feel bad kasi I'm starting to hate myself din na for feeling so incompetent, na wala na confidence ko. I don't want to leave, but I also cannot take this mental strain on me. It's all I thought about this past weekend unfortunately. I fear though that if I don't pass and get terminated that I'll have a harder time finding work because it'll be on my record. But also, I don't want others to think I'm only leaving because things are too hard. Sobrang at a lost ako here.
I have other gripes about the situation I'm in that is also fueling this spiral in me, pero for now some advice is definitely needed (and appreciated).