Hi I was hoping to get some insight into something I don’t understand. I’m a straight woman who has been seeing someone who identifies as pansexual. He says he wants a monogamous relationship, which is what I want.
However, it has come up recently that he says he finds all his friends ‘attractive’ and ‘cute’ in some way, and that is what makes him want to be friends with them. To me, I can have platonic love for a friend, or what I would better describe as ‘affection’, but this is very different to the type of attraction I would have towards a romantic/sexual partner.
However, he is adamant that the type of feelings he has for his friends is on the same spectrum as how he feels towards romantic partners. It’s just that the feelings he has for me as his partner are more intense and special. When I tried to explain that I would class the type of feelings I have towards friends as being on the same spectrum as how I feel towards family members, and that romantic partners to me belong on a distinctly different spectrum, he couldn’t understand this at all. It seems like to him, people exist either in two categories - attractive (potential friend/partner) or unattractive (would not be friends with).
Tbh I am struggling to understand what he means and whether we can have the type of monogamy I want, when he is basically saying that he finds all his friends attractive. He has said that ‘attractive’ to him means that he finds them sexy or cute in some way, but this doesn’t mean he would want to act on it because he has chosen me.
I feel like what he is describing is more of a polyamorous attitude towards relationships, if not in action then at least in spirit. He said that he has felt a bit poly in the past but that these days he wants a monogamous relationship. However, he insists that his feelings towards his friends are more to do with his pansexuality and not polyamory.
I would appreciate if other people in the pan community could share whether they feel this way too? Or try to explain what he means? I’m not sure if what he’s saying is true (that this is how pansexuality works) or if he’s using his sexuality as an excuse to be able to talk about other people (part of the problem that started all this was that he likes to share/talk about his attraction to others with me, which I found hurtful). I am genuinely trying to understand as I don’t know whether his open attraction to all his friends is something I can accept or not in a monogamous relationship. Thanks in advance 🙏