At 15, I more or less stopped practicing the Catholic faith. By 22, perhaps by God’s grace, I returned. Now, I’m a month away from 29. Am I any happier? No, I don’t think so. I’m just glad I no longer am as deep in sin as I used to be. That’s good, I guess. Has that led me anywhere? No. Despite healing from spiritual wounds and discerning the priesthood which led me to applying for seminary in my diocese, I was refused. When I was affirmed at my highest in college and by family and friends, I was denied any level of legitimacy immediately afterwards.
Now after three years later I have nothing to show. My position at work which I no longer enjoy let alone make much money after months and years ends in a few weeks, but I have no job prospects open. Dating has been dismal. No woman has shown interest to me in person, despite my best efforts. All my friends keep getting married or leaving my area and have no time for me. I don’t want to go back to my parents at 29. I want to be married and have kids. Or become a priest and use my gifts to serve God and others. But no one irl is able to help me so I guess I’m here now, asking for support from strangers.
If you can’t help me, keep me in your prayers. Quantity over quality at this point as I clearly can’t be happy from my spiritual director’s prayers alone. Or perhaps the idea God wants us to be happy is a lie. Was Job happy when he lost his family and home? No, I don’t think I believe God wants us to be happy anymore as so many priests claim. That’s a modernist notion, responding to the Prosperity Gospel of Protestants. But I do want my life to be meaningful, to be worth it all. It’s not, at least now. So what’s next?