Please Help Me
I’ve dealt with anxiety/panic attacks for what seem to be my whole life but clearly started at the age of about 13. They would come and go which lead me to a lot of self medicating in my teenage years. I started doing drugs in middle school, given to me by a friends mom and I just got deeper and deeper into my demons. I am now 9 years removed from pills and 2 years off of weed and alcohol. Still dealing with some anxiety I was prescribed Buspirone seemed to of helped the feeling that I was having heart attacks (for a little) but not a cure all for my panic. It would come and go and at times I felt it was getting better until I had a freak out, rush myself to the hospital for them to tell me I am fine. It’s just anxiety. Your body is fine.
About 2-3 months ago I had a BAD DAY… just felt like it was a day long of a full anxiety attack. I told myself just go to bed and let’s put this day behind us. And it to my surprise I woke up in the same state I went to bed in. So I went to the local crisis center and spoke to a psychiatrist who prescribed me Seroquel… I took it and instantly noticed intense side effects. Stuffy nose/hard to breathe at night, hard to wake up and get my day started, feeling like a zombie to the point I had no motivation for work, to be a father, to be a husband, no sex drive. The worst part is that it didn’t help my anxiety or panic at all. I hated the way it made me feel but I stuck with it because I just didn’t want to feel this way anymore.
After a couple weeks of Seroquel I went to a follow up with primary care doctor… they tell me my heart rate was 220 and they needed to get me on a EKG stat. So I freaked out. I tried to leave. They told me I could drive. I ran to bathroom and threw water on my face until my doctor convinced me to sit down and do the EKG. The EKG revealed I was at 169 so the doctor sent me in an ambulance because he didn’t feel I was safe to drive. By the time they checked my vitals in the ambulance I was in the high 80s. I got to the hospital and they told me what I’ve always heard. “You’re fine.” “It’s just anxiety.” & recommended to see a therapist regularly. They also recommended to see a cardiologist who later put me on a low dose of propranolol
I started seeing a therapist (3 total times). She told me “I’ve never seen it this bad” because I kept throwing up in her office because after the doctors office experience I developed some sort of white coat syndrome and being in an office with a doctor made my nerves a wreck. I also saw a physiatrist once and they pretty much said I was starting a lot meds, keep at it and see how you feel. Trial and error she called it. The therapist recommended me to consider collecting disability since I’d been dealing with it for so long and try hypnosis to break this cycle. I stopped seeing the therapist because I felt like I just met her and she is already giving up on me.
Any ways, I have since then stopped taking Seroquel but still taking my buspirone (half a pill 3x a day) and propranolol (10mg twice a day) but it is not cutting it… I feel hopeless. I feel like I will never get this figured out. It has greatly affected my career. Missing job opportunities I worked very hard to take time to focus on my mental health. I am not the most present father or husband. I feel like I am failing but I pray everyday for God to help lift me up from this because I cannot see a life where this is my everyday forever. I get light headed, feel like my knees are weak, feel like I can’t breathe, vomit… one minute I’m wired and the next I’m crashing from the adrenaline dump… I NEED HELP. I am willing to do anything to gain control of my life again. I just can’t keep living like this.