u/30andnotthriving

My personal confidence issues aside... I've never felt like I KNOW things. I recently interviewed for a job and when they called me an expert with the skills they're looking for based on my CV review... I felt amazing. They took me through a technical discussion and when I was participating it, I was so happy/ surprised/ enjoying every minute of it. I was discussing this with my sister and she looked at me like I'm an idiot and said "Dude you're working on this for the past five years, of course you know things."

I'm very isolated research wise at my current institute- there isn't a lot of scientific discussion within my group or within my institute as well. I thought maybe if I had more open forums or avenues to such discussions, I would actually feel like I know something.

How/ when did you guys (PhD, postdoc... are there PI's on this sub?) know what you're doing?

I am 34, almost 35. I registered for my PhD when I was 30. I have five years of work experience before that (2 years after my bachelors and three years after my masters) in labs with different research fellowships. I didn't have a lot of guidance while working towards my goals so it took me some time to confidently register for my PhD. Turned out my supervisor is ultratoxic, much like the small molecules I'm working on.

He constantly age shames me. Apart from zero guidance through out my PhD work, I've been struggling with equipment shortage, no conference support, horrible work conditions... But I've taken it all in my stride and I really want to graduate this year so I'm struggling to get my papers out while working on my final chapter, and yes I am panicking about it. Today I went to ask him about some doubts in the flow of my introduction chapter writing and he starts off with "People your age are submitting project proposals and you're coming to me asking how to write a thesis."

If there's PI's out there, please don't age shame your PhD scholars. Its really demotivating. I have gone through (and continue to go through) innumerable personal and professional difficulties. I've survived serious mental health problems and abusive relationships in my personal life to get to where I am. I've spent a year and a half recovering from major surgeries after breaking my left side entirely after getting run over by a rash driver. You might say that it shouldn't affect my professional life, but that's hardly possible... Please don't age shame your PhD scholars.

I know the flair says no advice, but any advice or sharing your experiences is really welcome. Reddit has been a better companion than anyone irl during my PhD work.