Trigger warning sexual trauma
Hi everyone I've been struggling all my life, and only recently can I now see the whole picture of why my life has gone the way it's gone. I just want to share. Often even with autistic people I felt not fully seen because of this extra factor but I have found many people in my life now where I feel very comfortable.
I'm 36 M and I had an emotional release from this trauma that happened 21 years ago. First I was bullied for 2 years from 12-14 when I got to highschool and I couldn't relax at all at school my marks dropped continually until I barely passed the last semester. Then I went to a new school with a new class and I wasn't bullied I felt relieved but social interaction was still confusing and stressful I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't understand teenage behavior.
And then I fell asleep at a party once and got sexually assaulted by classmates. I didn't wake up but I just knew as soon as I woke up what had happened and I also heard them talking before and after(I could overhear people talking from way further away than they expected) . But I was already traumatized and overwhelmed so I just decided to ignore it at that point. Later I would get flashbacks with random images(because I hadn't been conscious) and I felt like I had to throw up. At first I was confused because I had actually forgotten about this but later I remembered. But it was just superficially in my conscious mind. The emotions were still suppressed.
My mind intentionally keeps things stable, not too much difficult things at once, so I was actually quite content most of the time. My progress does get slowed down because a lot of stuff just gets ignored until I'm ready, that's how my mind works.
From 25 I started my mental health journey and at first it was very slow but over time I did start to resolve smaller traumas and build a stable mental foundation and I went to therapy and I kept making faster progress the longer I worked on it. But I was only in my rational mind mostly my subconscious, sexuality, trust etc were all affected by the trauma. I couldn't even sleep if there was something or someone next to me, I didn't feel safe. But I was still able to make progress by accessing my emotions through the rational lense and it was going alright.
But now my foundation was strong enough and the limits of doing everything through rationality had been reached so I guess my subconscious decided it was time to open up. Now I'm working on trust and self love mainly. Trusting myself, life, other people, trusting things are happening for a reason trusting even if something bad happens I'll be alright etc.
It feels like it will still be a long grind. It feels like I've finally unlocked the possibility of building a life for myself but I'm starting at 0 basically. I have learned from my experiences but I've always been focused on making internal progress because I can't really make progress externally without being aligned inside. It works for other people but for me it's impossible. I was forced to deal with my mental health and that's what I've done and I'm glad I did. But many areas I couldn't develop or I was preoccupied with mental things or I was blocked by trauma so it feels like I haven't really been able to fully live yet but I did what I could, I did my best.
I just wanted to share now that I saw the full picture because before I wasn't fully capable of describing my situation. Why do I struggle with this? idk... But now I get it for the most part there can still be further revelations but I think the bullying and the assault were the biggest 2 traumatic events in my life. I am excited and looking forward to exploring parts of life I couldn't before but I'm also still shocked and need to digest how my life changed so much and is completely different from anything I expected when I was growing up.
I started listening to these vibration meditation videos and subliminal videos since my absorbtion of information and anything really is very strong I want to use that to my benefit now. And I think it is working in the beginning I felt a lot of change now it's slowed down but I'm still gonna keep going.
Maybe someone can relate or take something from this.
I wish you all well