Friendly reminder or for those who just got their kids diagnosis, one of your first and immediate steps is to learn the dos and don’ts when it comes to being their now caregiver. Knowing is your responsibility and not optional. NT kids are far different than ND so you must be intentional with your actions and responses to them. Here is a curated list of don’t’s because you’re gonna get a plethora of information about the do’s from their doctor, therapist, BCBA etc. but people will not understand that disciplining a non-verbal kid for not listening is inappropriate behavior and abusive because the kid doesn’t communicate and may not understand communication from you either, which is common.
Might be cool to see some additions here or someone put together a list of the Do’s when it comes to autism caregiving. There’s so much more that I’d be going for a long time to type this out.
Every kid is different but based on many observations of autistic kids by professionals, below is a solid list of examples that are mostly standard across the board, lvl 1,2 or 3.
Don’t use hygiene (like brushing teeth) as punishment
Don’t use things they dislike as punishment (like if they struggle to brush their teeth)
Don’t spank or use physical punishment
Don’t assume they understand “why” they’re in trouble
Don’t overload them with too many verbal instructions
Don’t yell or raise your voice to force compliance
Don’t use shame or humiliation
Don’t repeat demands rapidly without giving processing time
Don’t ignore sensory discomfort (this is huge for brushing teeth)
Don’t expect neurotypical behavior standards
Don’t punish behaviors that come from communication difficulty
Don’t escalate when the child is already overwhelmed
Don’t turn routines into negative experiences
Don’t rely on fear as motivation
Don’t compare them to other kids
Don’t assume “noncompliance” = defiance
Don’t remove all comfort items during distress
Don’t make discipline abstract or delayed
Don’t ignore signs of distress (covering ears, crying, withdrawal)
Don’t expect learning during a meltdown
Don’t keep using a strategy that already failed
Don’t ignore the minimums above because it may harm your kid overtime even if it works currently.
Last but huge* Don’t expect and rely on them to learn new skills and independence. It’ll wreck you mentally if you’re not prepared to accept that this is your child and that’s that. Not saying to quit speech or therapies. My kid has been in speech for 3 years now with effectively zero improvement. Wife and I don’t expect anymore from him. It’ll make those times where progress is stagnant and all of a sudden there’s the smallest improvement far more exciting for you.
Spanking? —> Has been shown that it leads to aggression and self harm.
Punishment via something they dislike?—> shown to induce anxiety
Trying to force understanding of something by word of mouth on non verbal? —> shown to cause anxiety and depression (depression in adolescents does not manifest the same way as an adults would but it’s a wide range of behaviors and emotions such as withdrawal and frequent crying. Low energy and stomach aches that don’t have a clear explanation)
I mean you get the picture here. Not knowing all of these things doesn’t mean you’re not a good parent. But there are a few obvious ones in particular that shouldn’t even need to be said.