Hi, I have something to get off my chest and I'm not sure where to take it so I'm taking it to Reddit -- which is probably a mistake, but here I am.
I'm a Christian and I'm in recovery for porn addiction at a local Celebrate Recovery. I have been battling this addiction for about 15 years. I'm not posting this because I'm looking for advice on that front, I just want to give the context.
In small group there is a guy who is on a similar journey and soon after I joined he had had an experience where, as he puts it, "he was ready to quit" and gave God everything. He went up to the alter at church and knelt before the cross and told God he didn't want the addiction anymore and asked Him to take it. And after he did that, he's been 8 months clean.
It's amazing and I'm not complaining about that. But ever since then, he tells everyone the same thing. "You gotta surrender everything to God and then He'll take it." It sounds nice on the surface but every time he says it I feel a conflict inside myself. I ask myself, am I fully surrendered? In what ways am I not? What am I missing? Am I not doing enough? The phrase is meant well, I know, but simply makes me feel accused--like I'm not doing enough. Like I'm not a real Christian. And I've prayed a similar prayer many many times, "God, I don't want this anymore, please take it." I even acknowledge the parts of me that don't want to let go of it and ask that He'd help me let go completely. I have asked God what he would like me to do and all I get is silence.
I feel like I'm going crazy or like I'm being gaslit into thinking I'm not really trying hard enough in my recovery or my walk with God (which I definitely could be doing more, we could all be doing more).
It's probably just that this kind of all or nothing, black and white language really freaks me out as someone who struggles with OCD and scrupulosity as well. But am I crazy for feeling this way?