u/1-800-blowme

My Rottweiler Remi passed away yesterday(well, it’s midnight, so two days ago). The next day, I was shook up, but I wanted to know how long my mom wanted to wait before getting another dog(the house just felt empty without one), but I’m too scared to ask. Well, I didn’t, cuz my mom was thinking the same thing, and apparently was checking out rottie puppies. I hear her on the phone, saying stuff like, “how much is one, how long do we have to wait to pick up, can I make a down payment today?”. Then she comes out and says, “do you want to go look at puppies?”. I’m kind of shocked, I mean, I knew I wanted another dog, but this soon, literally the next day? I really didn’t feel comfortable getting one this soon, but I still go with her to check out this female pup, 6 weeks old, and I just fell in love. My god, she was SO cute! My mom placed the down payment, and we’re set to pick her up once she’s weaned(in the next 2 weeks). I’m so happy we’re getting a puppy, it’s been almost 13 years since I’ve had one, but I can’t help but feel guilty. I’m still fresh in mourning, but I’m actually looking forward to getting another dog. It almost feels like I’m replacing my old dog, Remi. It feels too soon, (I know dogs don’t think about what their owners do after their death) but I know Remi would want us to move on, to be happy.

I text my dad, who’s gotten the news about remis passing(he lives in Cali, and was with Remi til my parents got divorced like 4 years ago, when we took her with us to Tennessee), saying, “I’m guessing you’ve heard the news?“. He sends a few pictures of Remi, and says, “yeah, she was a great dog”. I text him a picture of the puppy a little while later, and tell him we’re getting a puppy(I guess with there not being a bunch of words in between, it comes off as pretty shocking), and my dad just texts back the word, “wow”. Like, thanks a lot, asshole, it wasn’t my idea. And now I’m back to feeling all uncertain again.

Any advice? I dont feel bad about getting another dog, but should I?

Yesterday, my mom took my 12.5 year old rottweiler to the vet cuz she wasn’t eating. She’d gotten picky over the last month, and then a day or two before the vet checkup, she stopped eating completely. My mom and I both thought it was just a stomach bug or something or she got into my Zyns. We were kind of glad when she slowed down on her eating, cuz she was a pudgy girl and she’d lost some weight, but a few days before the appointment, I noticed she hadn’t just lost a little weight, now I could prominently feel her ribs. I’m asleep when my mom gets home to take Remi to the vet, but I wake up as she’s getting ready to leave. My gut was telling me I should go with her, but I was exhausted and figured it would just be a regular checkup. Well, sometime in the afternoon I realize, “She’s been gone for a while”. I don’t think much of it at the moment. I’m watching a YouTube video on hockey when I hear the garage door open, and go into the garage to tell my mom about a trade I think our local team should make. As I approach the door, I notice something’s not right. She’s in the front seat bawling her eyes out, and Remi’s not in the back. Before I can process what happened, my mom opens the door and says, “I had to put Remi down”. My heart drops to the floor. At first, I take it as a joke(I guess out of shock), but by the look on her face, it’s clear she isn’t joking. I could’ve comforted my mom in that moment, but instead I get pissed and yell at her for not calling me and letting me know, cuz maybe I could’ve gotten a ride there or something. I couldnt feel more guilty about what I did in the moment, god, our dog of 12 years just died and I made my mom cry more. I hear a banging on my garage, probably my neighbor. I storm inside and, yet again, definitely something I’m not proud of, slam my fist into the wall over and over again until there’s a 2 foot hole in the wall. Then, as I go back out, my moms talking to my neighbor. And, yet again, I start raising my voice at her for not telling me. My neighbor calms me down, and then all the guilt and grief hits at once. I break down crying, garage open, neighbors all outside. I don’t care. I just ask, “She’s really dead? I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”, praying this is all some nightmare. It was just a mere checkup, nothing major, or so I thought.

We go inside and sit down as my mom explains everything to me(I don’t have all the details as I wasn’t there). I‘d seen her the day before, and she was looking alright, yeah, she threw up, but again, just a stomach bug, I thought. Well, apparently, in the time between me going to sleep and the morning, she deteriorated drastically. On the car ride, she slid between the back seat and the front, and couldn’t get back up. Remi had always been clumsy, so at first my mom didn’t think much of it, but after her not even trying to get up, she knew something was up. They went into the vets office, and started the tests. As they were waiting for the lab work to get back, they weighed her. She was always a big ole girl, always somewhere around 100-110. She clocked in at 79. Then they do some paw reflex test(not sure if that’s what it is), where they bend the paw and put the front of the paw on the ground to see how long it takes them to correct it. It took her a full minute of standing there, paw bent, before she fixed it. My mom knew the blood work wouldn’t come back good. When it came back, they said her liver had fully failed, and the vets thought it was late stage blood cancer. My mom put the dog down when she heard the news. She showed me the final picture of Remi before she was put down. She just looked so old and weak, so much worse than the day before. She said that she was getting her cremated, and the vets gave my mom a patch of fur.

But, honestly, I’m happy I wasn’t there. I wouldnt have wanted to see my girl suffer like that. And, remember what I said about not getting to say goodbye? Well, at 2 in the morning, I was restless so I went to the living room to watch tv, and Remi was laying on the ground. Instead of watching TV, I layed down on the floor next to Remi, and I cuddled with her for one last time. I‘m not big on dogs kissing me, but before I left, I kissed her on the head and put my cheek in front of her face. She was so weak, she could barely lick me. I’m just glad I got to say goodbye, even if I didn’t know it at the time.

I know it’s a cliche, but dogs don’t nearly live long enough. I still hear her long ass claws she’d never let anyone clip clicking on the floor(seriously, i’m a big guy, and even when I layed on her to keep her down she’d wrestle her way out, even as an old girl), I see something on the floor and I think it’s her. I want to cuddle her like I did when I lost my grandparents, but what I want to comfort me is the reason I’m in grief. She was the best dog I’d ever had, and I can’t wait til I see her again.