I want to quit.
(Really long and pretty boring post.)
Specifically, I want to quit competing. I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with judo and the stress and pressure that comes with having to compete.
I’ve been doing this now for 14 years (started at 5) but got severely burnt out 3 years ago as a result of external factors and that had an impact on my judo (constantly lost in competition and just general feelings of regression in terms of skill) and I’ve been trying to get back to where I was but it just doesn’t feel the same. I don’t want to quit doing judo but I don’t want to compete anymore.
I don’t really know what to do. There’s still a part of me that wants to compete and fight and win. The part of me that has hope that things’ll go back to how they were. The part of me that has the dream of competing internationally and feeling like I achieved something.
I probably fear competition as a result of past experiences and the frequent losses to people I shouldn’t’ve ever lost to in the first place. I fear wasting the money my parents might’ve spent to allow me to compete if I were to lose and not medal.
I have feelings of guilt that I can’t just do judo if I’m not going to compete because then there isn’t really a point. It should be fun to compete, I should want to do it. I enjoy the idea of imagining myself winning and going to fight internationally and getting medals overseas. There’s also the expectation that I’m someone who competes from my parents to teammates etc., who am I if not a fighter? I know it’s illogical but I’ve always competed and I like having something to work towards but it feels so far away and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get myself out of here.
A part of me wants to quit. Just do judo for the fun of it, give up on being an athlete. But there’s a part of me that can’t rest knowing that I could’ve done more, an extremely small part of me that’s shouting “Fight! Don’t give up! You can do it! Try and you’ll see, it’ll get better!” But I fear that fire is dying out. I fear that I’ll keep losing and I don’t know how to improve, I feel like I’m not really getting any better no matter how much I train.
Any advice would be appreciated because frankly, I don’t feel like giving up just yet.
Additional question: how can I improve my knowledge on judo? I’ve gotten my black belt (3 years ago) but I feel like a lot of knowledge has drained away since then. How can I continue to learn new techniques or relearn all the names of the throws? (Preferably in a more organic manner than sitting and reading through every throw)
Thank you all very much.