“To my baby,
Sorry for the late correspondence. I have been preoccupied with thoughts and feelings without a way to convey them; the cloud of emotion in my mind whenever you pop up is difficult to express in word or prose.
You’re so kind. So gentle. I’ve always feared giving anyone a piece of my vulnerability out of fear that they’d do me wrong or misuse it. You’ve given me space to be my complete and utter self, leaving all doubts, fears and negative energies behind and actually be who I am, with another human being.
I guess I’ve always doubted myself in social situations. While I can read people and interactions masterfully, I often do so under the guise of the safest possible mask for that interaction or that person, I pretend to be something I’m not for gratification and validation from conversations I can model and navigate anyways. Often they just serve as proof that I am as perceptive as I believe myself to be. I doubt you understood any of that. I think the short version is no-one has seen how I really am except you. And I’d never have it any other way. It’s almost like a secret’s safe with you.
And I trust it with you always. You’ve taken that side of me and you handle it with such grace and care. I never doubt your love for me. I never doubt mine for you. We constantly search for the catch in all of this, because nothing in our lives has gone to plan the way this has. No one around us has had that fairytale ending and we gave that dream up; at least I did. So we think - it can’t be this one. There will be something in our way. That big fight. The doubts that we haven’t even been together long enough. That its our first time finding love and finding that person who will always be there even when everything else is down. Amna the doubters will always doubt. Nobody we know has felt for someone what I feel for you. So trying to explain that I don’t have a doubt in my mind that you’re the person that was meant for me seems futile. No-one will get it.
Maybe that’s the point. Why can’t we just be naive dreamers and accept the fact that maybe the love that we feel is so early, so strong and so right because our paths were truly meant to cross, and that’s something that only we will understand. Maybe no-one else does get it. Why do we doubt something that we both feel is so right? Everyone who cares about us sees how entranced we are in the love that we share. But none of them will ever get it. No-one will get it.
I think the love that we share only exists in fairytales and stories. In fiction. Because I’m egotistical enough to convince myself that I found true love on my very first try. If you think that asking you to be mine on the very first date was an uncalculated, momentary lapse of judgement, you’d be sincerely mistaken. Amna nothing about the way we started off and what we have was just a coincidence or all for nothing. We were both on Hinge hopelessly looking for a connection that deep down we knew was unlikely. We came across each other on a sleepless morning scrolling through the app looking for anyone with a morsel of integrity and personality. And from the day we matched to today, April 15th, I haven’t looked away from you. I’ve gravitated towards you like a dying star and we have a cosmic love that no one can understand. We both needed this. You needed that person who will love you unconditionally; on your best makeup, everything shower, outfit on point, hair falling perfectly day as well as your snotty nosed, frizzy hair, skin breakout, pajama day. I will always love you Amna. I needed that person who would hold my hand when I’m lonely, drop everything to see me no matter the consequences, who listens to me rambling for hours about the complex web of thoughts in my mind and never tells me to stop, just to hear the sound of my voice. You make me feel so comfortable to be my nerdy, weird self and you’ve softened my edges and remade me in your image.
The point being, we needed this. Even if this is both of our first love, it’s going to be the last and it’s going to last. Everything about us makes sense. Where we differ, we complement each other so perfectly, and where we’re the same, we deepen the love we share so much more. Everyone around us sees how strongly we feel and tells us not to get too attached. Well it’s way too late for me, mum. I love this girl so much it's weird. I love this girl so much it hurts. I love this girl so much that I’d drop all my dreams and ambitions if it meant we could be together forever. I don’t think anything even matters if it's not with you. People say it's early and there’s still so much to learn about one another. I can’t WAIT to learn more about my baby. Because there’s nothing that could come up that would make me doubt what I have anymore. What could make me leave the one person who makes my day better just by giggling? Who’s brought the sparkle back into my eyes and the hope that it will all work out, one way or another?
I think I can support WITH EVIDENCE that you’re an angel who was sent to Earth instead of Heaven. You’re so perfect in every single way from your beauty to your voice to your soft nature. To be honest? How an angel like you can be so mistreated by everyone around you enrages me. That includes myself. It eats me up that you’ve been upset because of me or you’ve shed a tear because I toy with the fact that I could leave you. Amna nothing in this world could make me leave you. Cheat with 1000 men and I’d be 1001st in line waiting with flowers in my hand asking for you to come back into my life. I have no shame, pride or ego when it comes to how I feel about you. This rational model I’ve built of myself falls apart when I think about you because every rational thought goes out the window when I realise that I need you like I need the oxygen I breathe. You’re a vital organ that’s not in my body. I think a part of my soul was trapped in yours and that void in my heart was ever-present until you came into my life. Allah is the best of planners. He paired us when we were ready for each other and we had the strongest impact on one another. I could pick up the pieces after the hell you went through last year. You blessed my life and brought me happiness in a way I never thought I could find. What’s worth losing that?
You felt like I was too lovey too early on. You felt like I confessed my love too early. You felt doubts and concerns and fears all across the beginning of our relationship. I think all of that hurts me so much because I just knew that we’d eventually get to this stage where nothing else matters but the love we share. I knew so early on that this was the one. Everything I needed in my life and everything you’ve dreamt about for yours. The trauma you’ve faced ends right here. The next years of your life will be fairytale romance. Disney princesses will look at you and yearn for a piece of what we have. Romance novelists will be lined up outside our door trying to capture the essence of how strongly we feel for one another. But guess what Amna? No-one will ever get it.
I could go on forever my love. I could sit here typing away at my laptop for hours traversing through every thought and feeling I’ve ever had for you and still gaze into the blackened void of everything that’s left to say. I just can’t believe how much I needed you Amna. I legitimately get angry at you or at Allah for not crossing our paths sooner. We kiss, and all of our worries evaporate off our skins, as I run my hands across your body and you wrap yourself tight around my neck, pulling you closer trying to merge the fragments of my soul you’ve trapped within you in an attempt to make mine whole. Gazing into your hazel eyes is a core necessity for my life function now, alongside water and food. You could stop showing them to me and you’d be malnourishing me. I grow restless when I can’t see them. And I know I have to face that anguish every time I watch you walk home from my rear-view mirror, fighting the tears welling in my eyes that I don’t even know when I will see you again. The most courageous feat in my life is pulling that handbrake down and driving off knowing how far we will once be again, and that life function you fulfil will only be replenished in rations of phone calls, facetimes, snaps and texts. It isn’t enough. No-one will ever get it.
Even this email just pours out my heart because you’re asleep and there’s nothing I’d rather do than leave my job, drive to Leeds, get you in my car and drive off directionless, aimless, irrationally and impractically, together. I don’t want anything else to even matter because it would besmirch the integrity of my feelings for you. Never forget the way I feel for you Amna, because being so hopelessly devoted to you gives you so much power over me. I could never be mad, upset or anything at you, because your absence hurts me in such a way that only your presence can heal. So why be mad and distance myself just to end up hurting myself more than you ever could? I know you’d never willingly hurt me, so never fear that. I will always feel empty in your absence, and that gap will only be filled when we join our paths for good and spend the rest of our days doubtlessly devoted to one another, strengthening the love that we have until it transcends the emotional barriers in our minds. Until the doubts and fears leave our minds knowing that nothing worldly or otherworldly can get to us alone - because we’ll face everything that comes our way together. Never forget that; because no-one else will ever get it.
You’re everything I’ve longed for, baby. Your beauty transcends biology, my gravitational attraction to your heart transcends physics and everything from October 29th to today transcends chemistry. This is different. This is it. I can’t even say I love you anymore because ‘love’ is a morsel of what you mean to me. You were supposed to be Heaven’s brightest angel but you fell here instead. The radius of the Heavens can’t compare to my love for you baby.
From your one and only.”