AITA for asking my sister to move out because she won’t clean?
First time post. Essentially, everything boils down to my family. TL;DR I (28M) asked my sister (18F) to move out because of her hygiene and the condition she keeps her room in.
I come from a very low income, abusive home. I moved out at 15 but stayed in contact to help protect my younger siblings as my mother knew I would call the police if she laid a hand on them. Over the last couple of years I’ve been diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, which therapists believe is heavily linked to childhood trauma.
Once my youngest sibling turned 17, I cut contact with my mother. My brothers all decided I was the villain because “she’s still my mother and she doesn’t even hit us anymore”. My sister, however, moved in with me, my husband and our son a few months later. We told her she didn’t need to pay rent, do any chores or contribute to bills because we wanted her to be able to just focus on herself, work and college. The only things we asked were that she shower regularly, brush her teeth and keep her room reasonably tidy.
After a few months she stopped doing any of it. Her room became disgusting, she showers maybe once every 2 to 3 weeks, and the smell reaches into the hallway even with the door shut. I’ve had to knock on her door and tell her I’ve left the shower running just to get her to wash.
She’s also started skipping college and work, and spends most of her time either in bed or at her boyfriend’s house. We recently found out she’s been smoking in her room despite us asking her not to because our son is severely asthmatic and we rent the property.
We’ve tried talking to her calmly multiple times. I’m aware these behaviours can be linked to depression or other mental health issues, but she refuses to speak to a therapist or even a GP. We paid for a weekend away in the local city, paid for IDs, a new phone, a new computer for her college work when her laptop broke and tried to support her however we could, we can’t do anything else to support her.
After months of warnings and conversations, I finally told her it wasn’t working anymore and that she needed to find somewhere else to live. She completely exploded, calling me and my husband selfish c*nts and saying we don’t care about her.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to protect and support my siblings, but every time I put boundaries in place for my own wellbeing or my family, I get abuse back for it.
So, AITA for asking her to move out?
UPDATE:
Hi, I just wanted to clear a few things up. Firstly, a lot of people think I’m a girl, I’m not 🤣 my husband and I had our son through surrogacy, however I understand people’s confusion as it’s not the “societal norm”.
Next, I just wanted to clear up that whilst I have asked her to move out, I have not “kicked her onto the streets or back to (our) abusive mother’s”. I’ve asked her to look for alternate accommodation. She and her friends have jobs, I suggested looking for a houseshare whilst gently reinforcing the fact that she’d have to take her work a little more seriously if she had bills to pay. She’s currently staying at her boyfriend’s house (of her own volition, she knows she still has a room here)
Lastly, whilst I understand a lot of the behaviours she exhibits are telltale signs of depression and executive dysfunction, we’ve since heard from her boyfriend how “great and helpful she is” at his house. Constantly helping with dishes, tidying up, helping to cook dinner etc. whilst we never expected anything like that with us (she was told from the get go she only had to look after her own bedroom), I would argue that if she’s able to do those things at her boyfriend’s place, she should be able to look after herself at home.
I love my sister, she’s one of the few family members I still keep in touch with and she’s been told that if she ever wants to come round for a few days or anything like that then of course she’s welcome. I just can’t have her living in my house anymore, which was the original crux of the question.
Thank you everyone for the messages, it’s appreciated. Especially when my own mental health can swing so rapidly, it’s good to know that there are some (albeit strangers) people in my corner