u/-ren_ben_

So my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me.

After she broke it off with me, she made out with a guy on the first day she met him, hung out with him for two more days and then cut ties with him and came back to me.

She went out with him to make out, had conversations with him till 3 in the morning and once send him a picture of herself in a bra with a emoji covering the cleavage line.

It happened during november and in the span of almost 5 months it's a battle between me and my thoughts.

I did try to cope by talking to someone else and yes i did grow fond of her, i did a shitty thing by still being in contact with my ex she had access to my socials and vice versa and we did occasionally still hung out just yesterday night i attended an event with her.

Although she has completely cut ties with her affair partner she didn't come out with the whole truth at one go, the reason she gave was because she didn't want me to get disgusted with her.

She has given me full access to all her accounts (3 in total) and evn let me install an app where i could check her phone details remotely, doesn't go to events where the guy she cheated on with is there and let's me check her phone whenever, she has evn given me her parents contact and such.

Ive also done some pretty questionable stuff in anger and yes she did stand by me. I've pulled her roughly, pinched her arms and evn slapped her on multiple occasions (not my proudest moment) and ive evn threatened to post her nudes that she gave me in the past on her socials, i did it once as a means to threaten her. I threaten her on multiple occasions that ill send her nudes and such to her parents and yes i did do it but deleted it right after. I also fabricated a fake relationship just to see her cry, and have told her to post her whole cheating story online or go and fuck other dudes. She has a history of getting s'aed and has a shitty home environment and I've poked on that issue multiple times saying stuff like she probably enjoyed it and again

Body shame her everytime an argument happens and ive told her to evn lick the toilet seat.

She did it.

Really messed up.

I still love her i really do and it feels like everything gets normal but the moment i get reminded of what happened a rage consumes me and i do stuff i regret later.

I tell her to go slap the guy she cheated on me with, is it logical? I feel like nothing is.

What are the ways in which i can heal and what are the ways in which i can gain respect for her?

Will it be logical for her to post her infidelity online and go slap the guy? Or is the absolute no contact right now ok.

How can she make me feel less inferior?

I really need help.

Uhv enquiry.