Staring into the Darkness
I don't really know what to say or where to go. I just feel done, upset, confused.
My wife and I have had ups and downs in our marriage. It was only the other day I was thinking that lately things have been good... less than 12 hours later.. not so much.
My wife has always struggled with regulating her emotions and I have become used to being the reason for her struggles. If only I was a better husband or a stronger father or had done this or that then she wouldn't have acted that way. Because I value my marriage I have learned to bow the head and apologise (often profusely) in such situations.
Mothers day started well. She appreciated the gifts and card, spent the morning with one of her girlfriends and then we went to church as I had to give the sermkn . On the way home we went to get a certain cuisine (the place had shut down) and she showed the first signs of irritation. I asked her where she wanted to go to eat and she said Burger King. I offered some other places and she just said don't ask or talk to me, Im Just hungry. We come home and watch a film as a family. My daughter(4) gets upset as one of the characters appears to have died. She then accidentally presses a button on the controller and my wife asks for the controller to be taken off her. I go to take it and my daughter snatches it back so hard she gets hit in the face. So then she is hurt and upset. I thought it best to give her time to regulate but my wife insists on the controller being taken and escalates it with threats of not doing this activity or that or not having a birthday. I speak up saying just give her time to regulate. My wife sees that as me undermining her infront of the kids and blows up. I still dont understand how it got so out of hand. She yells over the top of me talking. I say "excuse me?!" (stupid of me). She demands the car keys which I didnt have. Threatens to break everything until I give them to her. I say I dont want her to drive angry, she says I dont care about her well-being. I say ill call the police. She gets disgusted... it juat blew up...
That night I apologise for everything. Gave a massage. Admit to wrong again and again...
The next day was not great but seemed to go okay between us... though something else happened within the family that I won't detail here.
Tonight I come home. I wash the kids lunch boxes and clean their soiled clothing from childcare. I clean the kids and sit with them at dinner trying to get them to eat. I clean up after them. My wife makes their lunchboxes and then goes on a cleaning rampage as she feels overwhelmed with the house messy. Finally kids are asleep we go to bed and my wife says "We need to organise my sons birthday invites" and I say "I just cant do it tonight"... I got to cuddle her and she pushes me away saying my hand is too heavy. She then goes off at me saying I never have time for her or let her speak. I explained I just hadn't stopped today and just needed some time to decompress. She went off again "f-you f-this. Your always too tired for me"... I apologies again and say sorry that I hadn't expressed myself better or been there for her. But she said it was too late. Turned to watch her movie and left me lying there. Later told me to sleep elsewhere. Amongst all that said she didnt think we were compatible and I was already back to my old self.
Have I got it all wrong.. am I a bad husband? A bad father? I'm lying there in pain, sad and upset. I feel like no matter what I do I put my feet wrong and there's no forgiveness. I feel accused of not being loving or kind and being manipulative and yet I feel like I truly try and I try to be sincere and I'm always the one apologising... I worry for my kids and what they are growing up seeing... I feel lonely and scared in my own house sometimes. I come from a religion that divorce is frowned upon and I don’t think I want to separate, I don’t even see how that work and I worry how the kids would be. I still hope that if I do something different things might be alright. My mother died by suicide, I don't want my kids to experience that... I also feel so trapped at times... even though I want the best.
I worry about the kids. Then I think what can I do better for us to be happy. Then I beat myself up over how I could have said something differently... occasionally I've felt guilt thinking about whether things could be better if I'd made different choices..
I've probably expressed this poorly and a lot more could be said but I just feel... lost.. hurt... confused.. pained...frustrated.. guilty.
Meanwhile I've got to show up for my kids and to work tomorrow where I've got to try and put on my best face for the people I manage...
..also I couldn't post this post where I wanted to ask for help because apparently the automods said I was asking for financial aid and then the next bot said it was politically loaded and automoderated... I just want to talk!