u/--BMO--

This is all quite embarrassing on reflection, so please be kind, I’m feeling a bit stupid.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, my childhood was full of love but also full of things I should never have seen, physical fights between parents mostly, some pretty rough and I was told to lie, keep secrets and act like everything was fine, a habit I sadly kept up into adulthood.

I’ve gotten better as I got older, lots of therapy and hard work. After my now ex-wife had an affair however, I took a big leap backwards, I’m terrible at setting boundaries and I let people walk over me much more than I should. I just focused on being a dad and putting myself back together again for a few years, then I met my current partner.

My girlfriend is a funny sort, she has her own scars and while she can be very loving, she has to have her way and she’s very rarely wrong, according to herself. She’s always been (and I hate to use the term) quite avoidant, scared to let me in. When I’d get too close, she’d panic and push me away, when her kids started liking me a bit too much, I wouldn’t see them for a while. The kicker came when I moved to be close to them and she said I couldn’t go to their house for a while because it made her feel embarrassed, untidy etc.

She’s placed a lot of rules on us, only she can stay at my place, only on nights before she’s at work, only on nights my daughter isn’t here so she doesn’t wake her up when she gets up for work at 5 (she wouldn’t wake her up). She also likes doing things just her and her kids sometimes, which is fine, but if I do the same I get a shitty attitude.

She really let me down last year after admitting that it wasn’t really the house that was the issue, she didn’t want to coparent and was scared to tell me, so lied to me instead. I’d made my life much more difficult to move closer to her and left a job I truly loved to make it happen. Unless I had my daughter, life there was truly lonely, she would tell me what they were up to while I was sat alone wondering why I wasn’t good enough to be a part of it for so long. I haven’t been allowed in her home for over 2 years, she even left me alone at Christmas as it wasn’t my year this year, it was so depressing.

So I moved back closer to my friends and family, she kind of lost it, well really lost it, it was surprising to be honest, I wondered if it was sadness from hurting me or a reaction to losing control. When she took zero accountability and instead blamed me for not inviting them to my house more, I got my answer.

We made up and to be fair she’s been trying a lot more, which is good in the sense we have a bit more of the relationship I always thought we’d have but now more than ever I feel like I’m being monitored. It also feels fake? Like why couldn’t it have happened when I asked for it?

Last year she got a new phone, which came with a pair of headphones, she struggles with earbuds apparently, even though she has a similar set and so offered them to me as I’d mentioned I was going to buy some new noise cancelling headphones for the gym. I was really grateful as she’d never really done anything like that before.

About a week later I was at Costco getting fuel after picking up some stuff and I got a call, she asked if I was at Costco and I said yes, looking around to see if I could see her and the kids in the car but I couldn’t, she asked if I’d been in yet and if I wanted to go with them, I said sure, got my fuel and stood at the entrance waiting for them.

After 10 minutes I called wondering what was taking so long and she said they were still 5 minutes out, I didn’t ask how she knew I was there right away but I was so confused, then I felt them in my pocket and it clicked, she used the tracker in the Samsung app, she had mentioned it when she gave me them, saying she could find them if I ever lost them but I never thought she would do that. I asked when she got there and she said she “just had a feeling I’d be there today”, I let it go.

Then about 6 months later after I had moved, things were still a bit tense, I was tired not in a very good place mentally over everything and I was working nights. My boss noticed I was really out of sorts and offered me a half shift holiday, he’s a great guy and I’d talked to him a few times about what’s going on and he was genuinely there for me, probably the best boss I’d ever had. I went home and passed out.

The next day I woke up to a message saying that she couldn’t find her headphones and so used the app but noticed mine were showing as halfway home at 1 in the morning, I explained I’d finished early to get a good sleep and she seemed fine. This time I knew she could use them to track me but again I explained it away, I still refuse to believe I’ve been electronically tagged even now, I freaked myself out and I went back to my old headphones for a few weeks, calmed down a bit and started using the good ones again.

Then on Monday, she did it again, said she looked for her headphones, found them but mine showed as in town when I should have been on my way to work, I’d went a different way to run to an Amazon locker I had a parcel at and her app had picked me up there.

Now I’m just pissed off really and a bit freaked out. I’m not perfect, I know that, I can be a bit closed off but I’m really trying to open up more, been to therapy again etc but now I’m getting complained at nearly every day for “not sharing enough”, “not sharing what I’m up to”. My opinion is that if you want to know what’s going on in my life, then come and be a part of it! I’m the most boring man on the planet at the moment, if I’m not out with her and our kids, I go to work, I take my daughter to school and to activities, I go to the gym or for a walk and THATS IT, other than that I’m at home chilling, doing DIY or building LEGO.

Plus I feel like she’s a bit of a hypocrite, complaining about me not doing enough, when we’ll go a week+ without seeing each other because of the rules she’s put in place. I’m so sick of being alone at the weekend when I don’t have my daughter, I have plenty of friends but they all have their own relationships and young children, I visit family but I just feel like the sad third wheel. My favourite part of any relationship is just chilling together after a long week, either going out somewhere interesting or just staying in, watching a favourite move and eating good food on the couch.

My self worth is at an all time low, I feel like it’s been eroded away over time and I don’t know how to get back to that old confident version of me, that would do anything once.

Typing this all out I’ve realised all of a sudden that I’m really not very happy am I? I haven’t been for a while either and I don’t think we want the same things.

I’m drained, I just want to be a good dad for now. One day I want to live with someone again, be a family and not feel like I’m walking on eggshells all of the time. She can definitely have the headphones back.

Now I need advice on breaking up with someone? I do love her and so even now the thought of hurting her kills me.

What did u/--BMO-- draw?

What’s a random childhood memory that made you smile recently?