I left my abusive ex two years ago. There are still court proceedings ongoing, so the post-separation abuse and re-traumatisation haven’t fully stopped yet, though I hope it will be over soon.
For two years, I had no income because my CPTSD made it impossible for me to function. I finally have a job now, but I’m earning 15% less than I used to because after eight months of applying, I was desperate to accept anything.
He took so much from me. He kept the house and never paid me back. He kept the pets. He kept the furniture and everything inside the home, even though I paid for more than half of it all.
The psychologist who helped me escape also pushed me into doing things that made my CPTSD much worse. I honestly believe I wouldn’t be in even a fraction of the pain I’m in now if that hadn’t happened.
I went to the police, and in trying to gather evidence, I retraumatised myself badly. They didn't investigate and flipped the blame onto me for reporting the abuse. They were not educated on domestic violence.
Leaving him also forced me to rely on my parents, which brought its own painful realisation: they are not who I thought they were. In a way, I feel like I lost them too.
And the hardest part is that nobody truly seems to understand. I have a boyfriend now, and even though I believe he cares, I don’t feel like he gets it. When I talk about the grief, loss, and pain, he either stays quiet or says the future will be better. I know he means well, but I don’t feel emotionally met. I feel alone with it.
I still have CPTSD, and lately the depression has been especially heavy. I’ve also been working really hard on my recovery. I’m in therapy, following a healthy diet, exercising, and working on improving my sleep habits. I’m genuinely doing everything I can.
How do you live with all of the losses? The years lost. The friendships I didn’t make because I was isolated for so long. The money and effort I’ll never recover. The failure of the systems that were supposed to protect me. The injustice of it all. The fear that the pets I love will continue to suffer and I can’t save them.
What do you do with all of that?
Why does it feel like a dead-end street? Like I’m expected to carry this grief, pain, injustice, and loss for the rest of my life, and there’s nothing that could make life right again?