u/Current_Meeting3770

Hello! I just thought it was a good idea for me to write on some random page about how im feeling to a bunch of strangers since I might literally explode if I feel like no one is listening to me! I have grew up around an extremely angry and resentful mother a father who couldn’t handle the resent from her and left, both of which were drug addicts, one recovered then relapsed later on in life. I have constantly been pulled away from my family due to my mother controlling if I can see my grandparents or not (bc she would be angry at them which meant I had to be too???) if I could see my cousins or my aunties and uncles, if I could go to family events, in which most cases I wasn’t allowed to bc there was always some sort of drama going on n my mum didn’t want me to be “brain washed”. I wasn’t allowed to see my dad when they argued after they split up even tho he only lived a road away from me. I was made to think that if I moved from somewhere that I couldn’t be friends with the people from that street anymore and would never speak to them again, this ended up hurting my boyfriend at the time (I was like 11-12 but he was so cute) and when we ended up in the same hs together he wouldn’t speak to me. My mother moved me and my siblings to another country, blocked all family members from any contact for around 2-3 years. I slept in a living room that had to heating during the coldest months for around 6 months. I met all these random people that were from my mums new boyfriends family in which I was judged instantly. In said country we moved at least 2-3 times a year in which it would make us switch school at least once or twice which led to me having no real genuine long lasting friendships or relationships as I got into my later teen years I had no one that I would see on a daily basis as my genuine friend or lover. I was made to constantly start over in a new school with new people who had grew up together I had to explain why I was older why I was held back from graduating due to the moving. The relationship my mum had with the reason she moved to another country, a man. It was very unstable they would abuse each other hit each other he was an alcoholic, I couldn’t sit in the living room and play my ps without him complaining (it was the only time I got to be alone w my games bc I shared a room w my sister n didn’t have my own tv) so mine and his relationship was not good. When my mum started smoking weed again I went back to the uk but a different part (wales) to my boyfriend in which I question all the time if I just made the same mistake that my mum did but I didn’t drag 3 children it’s just me. But I have this constant feeling of disconnect. I know everyone I do bc of my boyfriend or bc of work, I don’t feel like I have any genuine friends, I’m scared it is all temporary, I have no real safety net to fall onto I don’t have anyone to support me I don’t speak or keep up with any of my family members maybe once in a blue moon they call me but it is usually for drama, my dad is absent my mother is blocked and we have no contact, my siblings don’t really understand the concept of keeping in touch since we grew up thinking proximity meant daily communication but I never hear from them. The only person I have is my boyfriend and when we fight I feel so unbelievably alone and everything just hits me because I am fully alone I have no blood related person that would relastixally give 2 shits if I was here or not and Sam with friends. I think it would take most people like 4days to a week to find out if I died if not longer. People don’t remember things about me. I’m not an important friend I’m not remembered I’m not cared for and all this trauma hurts so much I don’t know how to deal with it.
Sorry massive rant